The Moment I Nearly Lost My Cool
Things are getting real here at the multi-generational Smith Bilbao house!
Let me tell you why: Life with my husband, son, daughter-in-law, and their three kids (4, 10, and 15) is serving up daily lessons in self-awareness, emotional maturity, and Loving Leadership…for Grandma (me)!
Four-year-old Capri has been exercising her formidable will to ignore, defy, demand, and throw tantrums. Because we love her to pieces and want her to grow, and because we also want some peace, we adults have been strategizing. Our goals: teach kindness, respectful socialization, and simple obedience for safety.
Our conversations have been collaborative, creative, and even fun, such a relief with four adults sharing the load. Together, we built a plan: set calm boundaries, don’t react to tantrums, just carry on, and remove her to a quiet space if needed. In short, no rewarding outbursts with energy or attention. We were all in.
Well, almost all. Fifteen-year-old brother Joe had been away at camp when we formed the plan. Joe loves his sister and wants to help. In the past, “helping” meant placating her by finding something new to stop the fit. It worked in the moment and was part of his big-brother identity.
While the days of appeasement were over, no one had caught Joe up. So when Capri hit a boundary and I calmly followed the new plan, Joe was confused. Then indignant. Then he challenged me and argued hard.
And that’s when my first big learning moment arrived.
It’s been years since I was badgered by a 15-year-old. I was, shall we say, emotionally activated. Thankfully, I observed my anger spiking and ended the discussion quickly, stepping away to cool down. This gave me the chance to observe the edges of my emotional landscape and do the inner work of Love, deepening self-awareness and groundedness.
To his credit, Joe immediately realized his disrespect and was remorseful. I also realized we adults had failed him. He wasn’t being defiant; he was trying to do what he thought was right and fulfill his role in the family.
Later, he apologized to me, and at a family meeting, we apologized to him for not bringing him up to speed sooner. Then we had a robust, inclusive discussion, bringing him fully into the plan.
Now, with all of us aligned, we’re beginning to see positive shifts in Capri’s behavior.
This underscores some vital lessons, Loving Leader:
❤ Change falters when even one voice is left out. My grandson's response wasn't defiance; it was the absence of information and the chance to engage. Loving Leaders identify and include all key people. And if someone is missed, they make it right quickly with repair and genuine inclusion that rebuild trust and alignment.
❤ Clear communication prevents confusion. The adults had clarity; Joe did not. In a change, assuming “everyone knows” can fuel conflict. Loving Leades explain both the what and the why to create shared understanding.
❤ Curiosity can reveal what's under so-called resistance. What looks like refusal or reluctance might actually be care and commitment. Loving Leaders look beneath the pushback to understand the intentions driving those behaviors.
If you are leading change, it's worth pausing to reflect on these questions:
Who might be left out of this change, and how can I bring them in with respect and care?
Have I explained not only what is changing but why it matters so everyone can align with understanding?
When I encounter pushback, how can I get curious and look for the care or commitment underneath?
Love doesn't remove the challenges of change. It transforms how we move through them, together. In that way, every change is a chance to practice love in action with clarity, inclusion, and curiosity. ❤
