This is a Big Day. Today, after months of intensive work, or what my husband aptly dubbed “The Big Push”, I’m getting on a plane alone to go to Spain. I’m going for two weeks of reflection and writing; then Jim joins me to visit friends in Spain and England for two weeks.
It’s a long time to be away! So I’ve been finishing things up before I go…and there’s a story I’ve been carrying for weeks that I need to share before I go. This is a story from someone I care about.
I want her to know she deserved better than she experienced. She deserved to feel safe and cared for by her co-workers, not indifference. And she deserves to have leaders who will create those conditions in her workplace.
Her story shows the harm that can easily happen if we aren’t proactive because there are steps that every Loving Leader can take to prevent such harm. Her story is also related to a story in the national news.
Kristine’s story.
Kristine sat across from me with a glass of wine. We were catching up on life and work when she shared a recent incident at work that left her disengaged, doubting herself, and feeling hopeless.
“I was leaving the office with my arms full,” she said. “It had been raining. The tile was wet and I slipped on the tile by the doorway. My stuff went flying and I fell on my back and hit my head.”
I gasped. She still seemed shaken and frustrated, but as I learned, it wasn’t because of the fall. It was because of the response of three team members. Or more accurately, their lack of response.
“They just sat behind the counter gawking and didn’t do a thing.”
No one came to see if she was alright. No one helped her gather her things or help her up.
She eventually got up on her own, picked everything up, and went back into a side office. No one came in to check on her.
Alone, she caught her breath and quietly cried. She cried from the fall, from almost getting hurt again, from embarrassment.
But mostly she cried because no one showed her care. Three other humans sat there and didn’t do anything to make sure she was safe.
Why didn’t they do anything?
From Kristine’s point of view, all evidence points to them being uncaring, callous people. She understandably feels betrayed and alone. Her feelings make complete sense. It was terrible and isolating to experience such apparent indifference.
I’ve sat with her story, concerned for her and thinking about how often this kind of thing plays out in workplaces, where we don’t respond to each other in the ways that show support and compassion. Several things struck me.
First, yes, those co-workers may be mean and indifferent. That is a possibility. Some people are unkind and just don’t give a damn about others. These coworkers may be those kinds of people.
And this may be an example of something more complicated. It may be an example of the social psychological phenomenon we have all probably been guilty of, or more accurately, influenced by: the Bystander Effect. We’ll look at this in just a moment.
But whatever the reason for their non-response, what is clear to me is that it is on us as leaders to do something well in advance to minimize the likelihood of these kinds of harm and alienation.
Loving Leaders, you can cultivate a workplace where your team members more reliably demonstrate and experience empathy and compassion. We don’t have to relinquish our workplace culture to mean people nor to the Bystander Effect.
Understanding Bystanders
Studies on bystanders in different social contexts tell us why there can be a gap between caring and acting, even for kind people.
The Bystander Effect, first described in a 1968 study by Carley and Latane and later replicated by many others, says that a person is less likely to help someone in need if others are present than if they are alone when observing the need.
Several explanations are possible.
First, research shows that if you are alone when you see someone fall, as was the case for my friend, you have a stronger sense of personal responsibility to help. But if you are with others when you see them in distress, then the obligation to respond is spread amongst the group, making each individual less likely to act.
Second, when others are around, you automatically watch for clues about how to behave and then adjust accordingly. This creates that awkward moment you have probably experienced where you see someone in need, have an immediate helping urge, but no one else moves and so you check yourself, unsure of what to do.
Acting creates a kind of social risk. We naturally hesitate to expose ourselves because our inclination to avoid doing the wrong thing in a group is REALLY STRONG. We may think things like, “Am I overreacting?” or “Maybe she’s OK. If I get up, will I embarrass her?” Or “Will I look silly jumping into action?” We may also have beliefs or stories, which may not be accurate, about what others think or believe. These shape our response too.
Group sensing and adjusting is a survival instinct developed for social cohesion and safety. It happens lightning fast and mostly outside of our immediate awareness. It means that even if I’m inclined to act, if others don’t or if I sense they’ll disapprove, I’m more likely to check myself. The more ambiguous the situation, the more this social influence will curb our reactions.
The Invisible Steps in the Cycle of Love
It’s worth pausing to consider what’s hidden from us and what we can actually observe.
We can’t see empathy when it happens. Empathy involves me noticing what’s happening to you, but you can’t see that I’m noticing. You can’t see if I’m feeling concern for you either. All that is invisible.
Only when I take compassionate action will you see anything. Only when I respond in some way will you know that I care. It’s when I take action that you feel safety, acceptance, and belonging.
So all the empathy in the world may be, in practical terms for the person harmed, meaningless if we don’t act.
What we need to own here is that the Bystander Effect may influence us more than we realize. If we want to be people who show love and compassion, then we have to prime ourselves and those we lead to be ready to act with compassion, especially if others are around.
What’s a Loving Leader to do?
If the bystander effect is our human inclination, then as a leader of teams of humans, and as a leader who wants to create a workplace experience characterized by love, it is your responsibility to prepare your team to counter this inclination. You need to prime your team to act with compassion even in groups.
Just hiring kind people with compassionate values is not enough. You must increase the odds that they won’t hesitate to act with care. But how?
Here are some steps you can take, Loving Leader, to create the conditions for your team members to take loving action both when they are alone and with others.
Model Compassionate Action: First, YOU be someone who acts, both when alone and when others are around. Be ready to act without hesitation. Habit science tells us that planning a simple “first move” can make a difference in setting up subsequent actions that we follow through on. If the cue is seeing someone in distress or need, the first small behavior might be to stand up and step forward toward them, physically or figuratively, say on Slack or in email. This movement can naturally lead to other actions. It literally gets you moving and signals to those around you that they can move too.
Talk About It: On top of your example, actively and consistently describe your workplace community in these positive terms: “We are the kind of people who jump into action to help each other and our customers. We take care of each other. I don’t ever want you to hesitate to show care. That’s the kind of people we are.” Share stories of compassionate action and impact. This sets courageous, compassionate action as the standard.
Develop Collective Capability: Did you know empathy and compassion are teachable skills? They are! Educate your team members in the practical behaviors of empathy and compassionate action.
These are solid steps that you can take, Loving Leader, to create a caring culture.
Cornell.
I can’t write about harms that are done through both cruelty and the Bystander Effect without talking about Cornell.
The dehumanization and horrific harms done to Jane Doe by those alleged to have gang-raped her is shocking … and all too familiar. Let’s be clear: No one consents to being gang-raped. Not by drinking or taking drugs. Not by wearing certain clothes or being somewhere. None of that is consent to rape. She was not the perpetrator. Those who raped her are.
The scope of rape culture and the normalization of sexual violence against women and others seen as weak or different are indicative of a profound sickness in our society, of rampant internalized fear and lack of love in its many forms. It is indicative of the pathology in our society that rape and other forms of violence are somehow defended or deflected back on the victim. We HAVE TO reckon with such mindsets, with what boys are taught and what is normalized for men.
Cornell’s Bystanders
The indifference of more than 50 men on the text chain who did nothing is also shocking … and familiar. As I was reflecting on Kristine’s story and the responsibility of Loving Leaders to counteract the Bystander Effect in workplaces, I discovered this article by Professor Catherine A. Sanderson of Amherst College. She is a social psychologist and scholar who has examined “why so-called good people stay silent in the face of problematic behavior.”
She points out that approximately one third of sexual assaults are witnessed by at least one other person, but intervening is uncommon. Research suggests that men overestimate the support that other men have for rape myths justifying rape as the fault of the woman. She points out that “…believing that other men generally accept sexual violence – even when this belief is wrong – inhibits [witnesses] willingness to intervene to stop such behavior.” This belief about others’ views is a stronger factor than their own views. Likewise, “men who actually commit assault also tend to overestimate support for such behavior.”
The answer to this for colleges and universities is similar to my recommendations above for workplace leaders. Studies cited show the benefits of proactively educating first-year male college students, counteracting the mythology and misinformation, and training in bystander intervention strategies. These help reset norms for the campus, reducing sexual violence and increasing interventions.
Love Shapes the Culture
I want Kristine to know that whatever the reason for her team's inaction, she did not deserve the lack of care. I want victims to know that they didn't deserve the harms done to them either. And the leaders of the organizations they work or study in are responsible for shaping their cultures to be more loving and human.
Loving Leader, whether you lead in business, nonprofit, higher education, or government, at any level - team, department, or the entire organization - you can do this. You must proactively shape the culture of your workplace for good. Otherwise, other forces will shape it instead.
If you want to create conditions to increase the likelihood of active care and respect for all people, of intervening when needed with active compassion, then ask yourself these questions:
Am I actively modeling care – not performatively but sincerely?
What do I need to communicate about how we help others?
Have I made it clear that caring for each other is part of the job?
When are our opportunities to teach people about the Bystander Effect so they can overcome it?
Do our team members know what caring actions look like here?
Have they been given explicit permission to notice someone’s need and act?
By reflecting and taking action, you are taking your Loving Leadership to the next level and making a meaningful impact on the lives in your care.
