What Does Self-leadership Look Like After Years of Struggle?

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The Loving Leadership revolution in the Smith-Bilbao household continues!

Last week I shared the profound impact my husband Jim’s Loving Leadership is having on my son and daughter-in-law, who moved in with us last month with their three children.

His caring, developmental coaching reminds me of the words people often use to describe a Loving Leader:

“I’m seen and accepted for who I am.”

“They cared for me as a person.”

“He invested in me and helped me grow.”

“I’m trusted to take on new tasks.”

It’s powerful to witness this love up close. And it means the world to me that my husband of two years has embraced loving my family so fully.

But Jim isn’t the only one leading with love.

Zach and Desirée are also stepping into Loving Leadership — starting with themselves. It’s the alchemy of their self-love and self-leadership meeting Jim’s support that fuels change. That’s what makes the magic — when both sides come together ready to love. Not perfect, not all-knowing, but open, accepting, and believing they’re worthy of something better.

This shift didn’t come easily. After years of trauma, disappointment, and indifference from others, it’s the presence of love that helped them see themselves differently. Here’s what I’ve noticed:

Self-Love

Each day brings quiet evidence of a healing shift toward self-love, aligned with the six aspects of Love Yourself in the Loving Leaders Framework.

After years of neglect, they’re caring for themselves as Whole People, physically, mentally, emotionally, relationally, and financially. They’re setting boundaries, keeping promises to themselves, and believing they deserve peace and happiness.

They’ve acknowledged mistakes, but they’re not stuck in them. They’ve forgiven themselves and are choosing to move forward.

Instead of internalizing shame, I now hear self-compassion: speaking with kindness, not judgment. Whether it’s a haircut, a new shirt, reading to learn, or imagining a better future, they’re investing in themselves. And these simple acts of self-love ripple outward—they’re more patient with each other and with the kids.

This self-love makes them open to Jim’s coaching. One definition of self-investment I love is: “When faced with a skill you’re not yet good at, you approach it with curiosity and a willingness to learn.”

Fear shuts off learning. But self-acceptance makes space for vulnerability—and real growth.

Self-Leadership

I also see them stepping into Self-Leadership.

Heather Younger’s new book, The Art of Self-Leadership, aligns beautifully with what I’m witnessing. Zach and Desirée are taking responsibility for their lives and that begins with holding onto their intrinsic worth. They’re honest about their limitations and their strengths, and rather than fearing imperfection, they’re choosing daily progress.

Each night at dinner, we toast to their small wins. They’re open to feedback because they know our expectations and suggestions come from love. And they’re gaining confidence, recognizing they have something valuable to offer their family and the world. 

Their growth is personal and relational. As Heather says, they’re discovering their power within—and learning to lead themselves.

When that kind of self-leadership and self-love meets a loving coach who’s ready to guide, challenge, and cheer them on — well, life starts to change in beautiful ways.