Why We Often Get Happiness Wrong, And What to Do Instead
“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stop right now!”
In the 60’s and 70’s, this was a familiar threat made by many frustrated parents to kids reluctant to shift gears. It was hard to stop running around the neighborhood playing tag or kick the can and come in for dinner. It was equally challenging to decide to turn off the Saturday morning cartoons to help clean house because THAT was the only time cartoons were on!
The challenge of choosing what’s good for us, what will ultimately make us happy, doesn’t stop when we are grown.
In fact, according to Behavioral Economics, we tend not to predict what we’ll enjoy or dislike as adults either, a decision bias called “Affective Forecasting” or the more provocative label “Hedonic Forecasting.” Couple that with “Focusing Illusion” where we overestimate how much one factor will influence our happiness. And add in a pinch of “Impact Bias” where we overestimate the intensity and duration of future emotional reactions, both positive and negative, and that’s a lot of decision biases skewing our choices.
Such biases impact all kinds of decisions that really matter, from where to live, to how to spend time, to what to eat, to who to hang out with, to where to work, to how to commute, and more.
For example, in studies of public transportation decisions, when drivers are asked to predict how much they will enjoy riding the bus over driving alone, people underestimate the positive experience of public transportation and overestimate the pleasure of driving alone.
I can personally attest that bus-riding can be more fun than predicted. My bus-buddy, Valerie, and I threw a Hawaiian-themed surprise retirement party on the bus for a rider complete with leis, food, music, and decorations! But the joke was on us when the retiree didn’t ride the bus on the day of the party! But the entire bus was committed, so we did it all AGAIN the next day when she was on the bus! All this goes to show that public transportation CAN be much more fun than predicted!
Another bias hit closer to home.
If you had asked me six months ago if I would like to give up my peaceful household living alone with my husband, Jim, and trade that in for a family of five with kids aged four, ten, and fifteen plus a dog moving in with us, I would have said, “No thanks!”
I'd have predicted that I would not enjoy that as much as my privacy. It’s not that I don’t love them. I do!
I’m an introvert who values solitude and quiet reflection. Jim and I work from home and need to focus. Plus, boundaries are healthy. Plus, plus, we like to keep a clean house and entertain. And I really want the leftover enchiladas to be there for lunch the next day, and…. You get the picture.
My decision biases gave me many reasons why I would like to live only with Jim, much more than having others live with us.
But a funny thing happened on the way to fulfilling my Western, individualist ideal. My son and his family moved in, and you know what?
I LOVE IT! Jim LOVES IT! They LOVE IT!
Daily life is busy, to be sure, but we love being around each other each day. We enjoy the new rhythm of life and the flow of fun, conversations, and activities.
Plus, Jim and I are co-parenting after a fashion, an experience we never thought we’d have since we married later in life.
Can I just say, it melts my heart to watch him play horsey with Capri or teach Skylar to juggle or make chocolate chip cookies with Joe?
The bond of trust is growing with my daughter-in-law and me, and I’m building a rare, meaningful relationship with my adult son.
And, they’ve been such a big help…building a retaining wall, gardening, and sharing cooking and cleaning duties.
Sure, my morning Zoom meetings may include a visit by Little Miss Sun Shine still bleary-eyed and in her nightgown, needing a hug. But that’s just fine with me!
Privacy and quiet? I overestimated their importance to my happiness. And I underestimated the social and emotional healing this experience would bring after living alone during the first 6 months of the pandemic.
In short, every day we are all enjoying plentiful amounts of uplift and connection - you know, Love!
What does this have to do with a Loving, Human Workplace?
Our assumptions about what’s good for us and our workplaces are often shaped by biases rooted in fear, traditions, and misinformation, rather than the realities of love, connection, and motivation. Results from those biased choices are often not great; we wish for something better. In fact, newer leaders from Gen Z and Millennial Generations are demanding it.
Here are some things you can do to challenge your assumptions as a Loving Leader and discover what else might be possible:
Be ready to be surprised by what will truly support well-being and performance. It might be different from what the standard has always been. Ask your team members for their ideas and be flexible to try and learn what works now.
Be open to moving beyond your personal comfort and control to welcome collective input or sharing the opportunity to take responsibility. Benefit from not having to be the one to always do “it” or be "it."
Be careful about overestimating the value of productivity metrics and underestimating the value of belonging, play, and joy.
Be willing to be wrong. Stretch and experiment to see if you discover something better. Admit it with humility and humor to make way for the new opportunity and new freedom, too.
Just like I was wrong about how much I’d love a full house, might there be ways that you are underestimating how much you and your team could enjoy a new, loving, human practice, too? What can you do to find out?
Do you want your leadership team to question their assumptions and shift to the power of leading with love, not fear? I offer keynotes, workshops, and retreats that help leaders break fear-based habits and embrace a more human, connected way of working.
Book a conversation with me to explore the possibilities!
